The Wavering Artist

Ok, so I had a bit of a panic attack last night about all the financial energy I've been pouring into the Boat Festival craft fair I'm attending with my artwork at the end of June. Having spent the day painting a waterscape (not finished yet) and the evening mounting and cellophaning Red Dress prints and printing more cards I had an overwhelming fear that I would go to the event with all my stuff which includes Red Dress work, landscapes, wildlife and my portfolio of commissioned portraits and would end up taking it all home again after 2 days, being severely out of pocket. What would I then do with all the stuff that would further clutter up my already fit to burst work room?

 

 

 

It seems that every time I get a new idea for a direction in which to go with my artwork, I run with it only to fall flat on my face. I realised though that I don't persevere, I take one knock then think what I'm doing isn't good enough and try something else. I never give one thing a chance long enough or have the confidence to approach shops/galleries with what I've produced after I've seen myself fail in one area. I always feel as if I haven't quite yet found my thing or my niche and keep waiting for an epiphany. My energy is scattered in so many different fields. To look at the different types of work that I produce, you would think that every one of them is done by a different artist, they are so diverse.

 

So where did I go wrong?

 

 

 

I first started painting as a business 9 years ago. I started with portraits as I my son was about a year old and my Mother-in-Law gave me a set of pastels saying that with all this free time on my hands I could use a hobby!! Free time? With a baby? Well, anyway, I did my first portrait in pastel of my son and I liked it, so did my family and friends so I decided to do more. Not long after I was getting paid for them and eventually created a website, a business name, began advertising and so forth. My portraits have always been well received and I'm comfortable with them after many years of practice. They are comforting for me, people bring me photos, tell me what they want, I paint it, they're happy, I get paid, I'm happy but the work is sporadic and I needed to supplement it if I was to try and make a living.

 

 

 

So, about 5 years ago, I booked myself some exhibition space and started working towards what I thought people would like to buy. I'd already ventured into wildlife painting in pastel after attending a 3 day course with Vic Bearcroft so I ran with that. I also hedged my bets with some local landscapes painted in acrylic so the exhibition was literally half and half, wildlife down one side and landscapes down the other. I called it Bright Eyes and Blue Skies. After 3 weeks I'd sold only a few pieces making enough to cover my expenses but not much more. I took it all home again. Over the next few years most of the landscapes sold by me putting a couple into group exhibitions here or there, a couple at a time. I'm still left with 8 pieces on my walls at home from 2007. They are always admired but still they sit. Having said that I have sold many prints of the work so I musn't discount that.

 

 

 

Then in a fit of madness I decided to try Pin-Up art. I loved the Burlesque style and the Pin-Ups of the 40s and 50s and thought I would have a go at some of my own. I naively entered 3 into a local group exhibition that is a tad conservative and all 3 were turned down. Mortified, I did the walk of shame to collect them and never went back. I even set up a website for this genre under the pseudonym Venus de Mons. I sold 2 of them framed at their original price and the rest went recently on Ebay for £10 each.

 

 

 

After this failure, I decided to go back to what I was best at and invested in attending the Discover Dogs Show 2009 in London. As you can imagine the cost of the stand, travel, and preparation for this was hefty but I was convinced that if anything was going to bring me in work it was targetted promotion and where better to do it than a place teeming with dog lovers? My dog portraits are still my best seller. I even printed up money off vouchers for the first 100 portraits expecting to be inundated with work shortly afterwards. Everyone who visited my stand enthused over my portraits but not a single job came from it. Not a single one!

 

 

 

This was a real kick in the teeth and I was about ready to give up and then life took over for a while. Over the next 2 years I was very well occupied trying to get my life straight, I took some heavy fire and had to battle my way through it. None of which I'm prepared to go into on here. Suffice to say, hell and back would not be much of an exaggeration. In desperation to find some direction and answers I visited a psychic who told me to continue pursuing my art career, that it would be a good way to heal and would prove fruitful in time but that I needed to work more creatively. This was the inspiration for The Red Dress art. She just appeared on my blank piece of paper one night when I had no idea what I was going to paint. I found that the ideas flowed naturally and easily for her journey as it was also mine and people liked her simplicity. She has helped me heal and I am glad she came. Last October I held and exhibition with only Red Dress paintings and it went well. I thought that maybe this was my path but it seems that now my life is much happier and more secure my work with her has ground to a halt and I have lost confidence in her.

 

 

 

When I applied for a stand at the Portsoy Annual Boat Festival it was with the intention of displaying only Red Dress work but now as I near the event I have panicked and started painting boat/sea related scenes (well, it is a boat festival)! I have found myself enjoying painting them but yet again they are speculative and as I pour energy into a different area yet again, my message becomes more scattered. What am I showing to people? Versatility? I'd like to think so but, more likely, incoherence!

 

 

 

So what next for me? I really don't know but if this doesn't work out I'll just have to pick myself up and grow some balls so that I can go and tout my wares in the most likely places they will sell. i.e. gift shops and galleries. So what if I'm not confident, I can fake it with the best of them! I'm not giving up just yet :-)

 

I'd value you're comments on this or any insights you may have in this field.

Landscape in Pastel Step-by-Step

Today I thought it was about time I shared something arty with you so here is my step-by-step guide to creating this land/waterscape of the Spey River in pastel on Clairefontaine Pastelmat.

Having never painted a landscape in pastel before I decided to see if I could complete this one within 2 hours. It is the subject of an art demo I'm teaching today which will last 3 hours so allowing time for explanations it should be achievable for my students. Fingers crossed :-S

My apologies for the quality of the photos which were taken on my phone. Some are clearer than others so I hope you get the gist.

I'm using Pastelmat in the colour Maize which is a light creamy yellow.

First I roughly sketch out the main areas that I'll be working on. I have divided the paper into 4 to help with the proportions and positioning. I'm using an HB pencil lightly to as not to score the surface of the paper. There is no point in putting any detail in the sketch as it will be obliterated shortly by the pastel.

I am using a limited pallet of 12 soft pastels. Light/Mid Blue, Dark Blue, Dark Green, Mid Green, Light Green, Black, Dark Brown, Terracotta Red, Warm yellow, Lemon Yellow, Cold Grey, and White

I am working with different ranges including Derwent, Daler-Rowney, Inscribe and probably some others varying in degrees of softness but they are all jumbled in together these days so I just go by feel of what I want.

Next I block in the sky with a mid to light blue and rub this in with my finger.

Then I block in the background with my light and mid greens.

Using the black I block in the dark areas of the background and foreground. After each blocking in I rub in with my finger to create a smooth surface.

Then I add some dark green to the foreground.

Followed by some light green to the trees in the background and the tops of the gorse in the foreground.

Next, using my dark blue, I shade the top of the sky and the darker areas of the water.

Then with my warm yellow I add in the gorse in the background along both tree lines and in the tops of the foreground.

The next step is to warm things up a bit with my terracotta red which I add sparingly to the tree line on the left, the trees on the far right and through the yellow of the gorse in the foreground. All the while I'm smudging these layers in lightly with my finger.

Using my white next I add in some fluffy clouds to the sky and highlights on the water and lighten up the lower part of the sky along the trees. I have used grey to create shading on the underside of the clouds. I have also added it to the light grassy areas on the left and where the rocks are on the right.

Adding a bit more substance now with dark brown in the shadow areas of the trees, using the broken pastel on it's side to create the form of the trees on the right and the gorse.

Starting to put more details into the trees in the background using short dotting strokes with my light green and some mid blue.

Ah, this is a better picture, you can see what I'm doing!

With black I have lightly contsructed a tree and added shading to the right and with the warm yellow I have added more detail and highlights to the trees. I have also used more blue in the grass area, along with the red, yellow and white. Can you tell what it is yet?

I use the same process on with the trees on the right, this time using the dark green for the tips of the trees, creating form with the dark brown, adding in light green for the highlights and using the edge of my grey to indicate the trunks of the tress.

I have added a touch of yellow to the trees and the gorse.

This is how the background looks now in comparison to the foreground.

Here I have grazed some dark blue and grey over the water and some black at the edges where the trees are creating shadow reflections and softened this in with my finger horizontally.

Adding a bit more white over the surface of the water.

Starting to dab some dark green through the gorse in the foreground.

Then warming it up again with dabs of terracotta, brown and some black. I'm using the pastels on their sides and working in the direction of the plant growth to create the shape of the bushes.

Now I start to go to town with my warm yellow building up all the beautiful gorse flowers. I just love their coconut smell :-) I have also added a bit more definition to the gorse in the background.

I have warmed up the gorse flowers with a touch of terracotta and added a little grey and white to the foreground where the stems and grasses are drier.

Using my light lemon yellow I tip the tops of the gorse to create the highlights. I have also defined the trees on the far right with some terracotta and light green and I've worked on the water a bit more.

I do tend to dot about to other areas when I see something I've missed, a bit more form here or shadow there, etc, so this is a rough guide. The trick is to step back and squint at your picture each time you change colour and see where else needs a dab.

The finished article!

I hope that this has been interesting/useful. Thanks for looking and please feel free to comment.

P.S. Here's the one I completed during my art demo this afternoon. Slightly different to the previous one so I must have picked up different colours in some cases and it's very difficult working at an angle so that everyone can see. It will need a bit more work to bring it up to the same level as the other one and make it a finished piece.

Everyone enjoyed the demo and it was very interesting to see all the different interpretations and the variations in colours which affected the mood of the picture. All in all a good day enjoyed by all :-)

The Broken Girl with a Broken Bike!

Two weeks ago I bought a new motorbike, a Suzuki Gladius 650. I part exchanged my 21 year old Honda VFR750 that I'd owned for 5 years. It was a great bike in excellent condition but being older was really far too heavy for me to manoeuver around. I was becoming more and more reluctant to go out on it and felt it was time to admit defeat and get a newer lighter bike so that I could enjoy going out for runs with The Man.

On the Thursday I saw it, I test rode it on the Friday and bought it on the Saturday. I was chuffed to bits with it and received many admiring comments. The weather was uncommonly good for March so The Man and I decided to take a Sunday run down to Banchory. All was going well, I was getting used to the much lighter more bouncy feel to the bike and taking it easy. We stopped at a park for lunch and had a bit of a sunbathe before heading for home.

We were not far from home when disaster stuck. I came round a long sweeping bend going less than 40mph but hit a nasty pothole in the road. The bike, being so much lighter than I was used to, decided to bounce out of it sideways heading me towards the grass verge. Time slowed down as it does in such situations and I had to make a decision. Try and lean into the corner to get the bike round and I would still hit the verge and likely go spinning off down the road, potentially into a car. The bike would be trashed, I may well be too. Or try and make it up the verge and stop. The latter seemed the better option.

The verge was  however a 6 inch bump up and the force of hitting it threw me and the bike into a fence. I hit my head on a post and lay motionless for a few moments trying to work out if I was still alive. A witness said they thought I'd copped it because I didn't move for ages but I was doing a mental checklist of vital organs and wiggling fingers and toes to make sure all was still intact. As I lay there with my upper half at a horrible sideways right angle to my lower half, I was saying out loud "just don't die, don't die!". It makes me laugh now because I came off pretty lightly considering but I was in a lot of pain and didn't know what damage had been done inside. I was thinking of my wee boy and my man and didn't want to be going anywhere just yet. I became aware of people behind me and shuffled myself round. Head was still on shoulders and neck wasn't causing me any problems but my back was really painful and my wrist was hurting although I figured I'd just sprained it. Two men lifted the bike off me at my request and I fumbled around for my phone to call The Man who had been ahead of me and not seen me come off but then I realised that he would come back when he noticed that I was no longer behind him.

My priority at this point was to get my helmet off but it was difficult as I was shaking quite a bit. A woman had called the ambulance and was insisting that I shouldn't take my helmet off or move until they got there. I'm a stubborn patient and took my helmet off and tried to disentangle myself from the wire in the fence. I got myself round into a half sitting position up against the fence but really just wanted to stand up. Personally I think I would have felt better if I had been able to get up and keep moving because instead I seized up in that position and spent the next 6 hours either strapped to a brace board or hospital trolley which was incredibly uncomfortable and seemed to exacerbate the problem. Anyway, by now The Man had come back and I was so pleased to see him. He must have got one hell of a fright coming back to find me like that but I was pretty sure by that stage that I wasn't going to die, so assured him of that.

I had managed, with help, to wrestle my jacket off with much pain to my wrist and had asked the helpful bystanders to take my boots off too. When the ambulance arrived they insisted on putting a neck brace on me even though I had no pain there and had full mobility but I suppose they have to be better safe than sorry. Not long after they got me into the ambulance the police arrived and took a brief statement and took some pictures of the scene. Apparently, even the police said it was a terribly damaged piece of road and that I wasn't the first biker to come off there. Thank goodness I wasn't hareing round the bend.

The ambulance ride seemed to take forever but eventually we arrived at the hospital and everyone made lots of fuss. I had to laugh because they kept telling me to answer questions with a yes or no without nodding or shaking my head and I just couldn't do it. I'd answer them and then say "I'm still doing it, aren't I?". In the end they decided to tape my head to the bed but I soon wriggled out of that!!! At one point they wanted to cut my leather trousers off me but I vehemently insisted that they could take them off without doing that and that as I was perfectly fine they should make the effort to try. They managed, phew!

I had to wait for ages but eventually got X-rayed and by then The Man had been allowed in to keep me company, god how I love him. I was informed that I had a vertabrae out of alignment in my neck but that's not news to me as I have suffered with a bad neck for years and have been regularly taking painkillers and visiting the osteopath to crack me back into place. Remarkably, ever since smacking my head against the fence post, I have had absolutely no problems at all with my neck so maybe it's done me some good. I was also told that I had a fractured wrist that they would have to put in a cast and although they didn't X-ray my ribs, it turns out I have a broken rib too. After much waiting and to-ing and fro-ing of doctors and nurses, and not having been for a pee or eaten/drunk anything for 9 hours they eventually allowed me to go home.

I was in a lot of pain for about a week and a half, getting in and out of bed was a struggle as was getting dressed, well, pretty much everything caused big ouchys. Not to mention the cold I was still getting over which made coughing and sneezing an excrutiating experience! The Man, however, did me proud, he took time off work to look after me and even though I was a terribly grouchy and stubborn patient he made sure I did as little as possible to give me a chance to mend. Not only that, but he instisted on ordering all the bits that needed to be replaced on the bike and polished it up almost good as new so that I didn't have to look at it with a heavy heart. I am extremely grateful to him for everything, what a star he is.

Two weeks on I can dress myself, wash my own hair (one handed) and tackle most light housework tasks unaided. It's unfortunately my right hand wrist that's in cast which makes everything a little more awkward but I'm adapting well to being a lefty. If I overdo it my back and wrist let me know so I stop and rest a while. There's still another week to go before I can try and badger the hospital to take my cast off before my holiday but if they won't do it, I'll get it off somehow. So, with two more weeks of R&R, hopefully I will be able to enjoy my holiday to the full, a good supply of ibuprofen will no doubt aid that along with some free flowing rum cocktails.

Lessons to be learned? Not really. I was going slow, I was unfortunate to hit the pot hole. I should have cut the corner like The Man did and then I'd have missed it. It was just bad luck on a new bike that I wasn't fully used to yet. I'm very fortunate that I didn't do more damage to me or the bike. It won't stop me riding. As soon as I'm able I'll get right back on. Will I be more cautious? I was already a cautious and sensible rider, any more cautious and I'd be static! Yes, it's knocked my confidence a bit but, I'm a fighter and I'm hellish stubborn so I won't let it hold me back. Plus I've just bought myself new Dainese leathers and The Man bought me a replacement Arai helmet for my Birthday so I'm buggered if I'm not going to get out on the road again soon to show them off. Besides, I've already decided to live until I'm 120 so I've got a ways to go yet ;-)

10 Food Beards - Do Not Feed the Animals

So this is what I do in an effort to cheer myself and you guys up!

1. Porridge Beard (That was my breakfast)

2. Squirty Cream Beard

3. Dairylea Cheese Slice Beard (I think I may go out like this one day)

4. Mangetout Beard

5. Bacon Beard (Yuk!)

6. Smoked Mackeral Beard (I look disturbed because I am, it reeks!)

7. Chocolate Birthday Cake Beard

8. Marmite Beard (my personal favourite, very Cavalier!) 

9. Seeded Batch Loaf Beard

10. Iceberg Lettuce Beard (slightly wilted)

And finally the one that didn't quite make the Top 10, Marshmallow and Peanute Butter Beard



I do hope you have been cheered by my array of food beards. Feel free to adopt any of these in your daily life but don't forget to post pics.

Looking out for Alanda!

You may have noticed that I have been quiet of late. The reason for this is I’ve been a little off my game. In an attempt to discover why, I have given myself over to a bit of pondering. These are my musings.

What happens when you’ve been fire-fighting for so long that, once the danger is over, you don’t know how to relax? When there’s no more need to be on red alert, how do you find out who you are without the drama? Strip away the uniform, the protective equipment, the tools of the trade, the wailing sirens and all you’re left with is the adrenalin still coursing through your veins, a few scars and burns to remind you and the residue of toxic smoke in your lungs.

You try to rebuild your life, picking up the pieces, making them stronger, adding a lick of paint but the smoke still clings a while longer and you’re much more cautious about everything. You enter into inner dialogue. Do you really need to leave the house? What if something happens when you’re out? Stay in, monitor the situation, it’s safe in here and if anything happens you’re on hand and ready to fight once again. Make sure you keep every last shred of what’s left behind because somewhere in the wreckage is your soul if only you could find it amongst the charred remains.

I fear I could be suffering from some degree of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Only those closest to me will know the reason for this but I realise that this is the first time I’ve looked at this being a reasonable explanation for my increasing reclusiveness and sometimes erratic behaviour. Now that I can more clearly see the issues I’m dealing with, I feel better equipped to be able to find a solution. After all, that’s what I do. I fix things. I never thought I’d need to fix myself but in true McGyver fashion I will cobble together some miscellaneous bits and bobs and forge a new way of being. The hardest part is over and the best thing about it is that don’t have to do it alone :-)

My art has been a great tool for processing some of my feelings and also reinforcing my strengths. It’s provided me with a platform to heal from and will continue to be an important outlet for me. I hope that it will also give others a deeper insight into their own lives. The Red Dress paintings may seem like simple images on the surface but they have a power all of their own now that’s come from the energy I’ve poured into them and, for the most part, I’ve tried to portray the positive aspects involved in coming out of the dark places I’ve been. I will continue to fight but now it will be for a better life for me and my loved ones and in time I will learn that it’s not necessary or healthy to be on red alert all the time. For now, I will forgive myself and be kinder to this fragile being who is still trying to work out who she is now that the dust has settled. I'm looking out for Alanda.

Enjoy a bit of Hue and Cry if you will http://youtu.be/ONc3OMOb98I

Tune in next time for more frivolity. I’m back, I’m crazy and I’m thinking a photo blog of 10 different food beards. To be continued.....

The Wolf at the Door

After a couple of days now of watching the Syfy channel, drinking tea, eating junk food and moping about in my pyjamas I’ve been asked to write on the merits of such activities to recharge one’s mental batteries.

 To be honest, I don’t really feel that my mental batteries are being charged at all. I feel exhausted from staying up way too late and then not sleeping properly, plus my self esteem has plummeted along with my enthusiasm for work. I will, however, cut myself some slack as this is day 3 of my mope and I know, without doubt, that I will be back on usual form again tomorrow.

3 days is my allotted period for any self pity streak. I will not allow myself to waste any more time than that. This method seems to work well for me as I never overstep my deadline and seem to bounce back better than Tigger on a trampoline, achieving incredible feats, after that time.

I have also been asked if Syfy influences my work. Now, this is a subject I can really get my teeth into. It’s not that TV influences my work per say, but to take a look at my programme preferences is to get an insight into my already existent interests. Once you see that, you can definitely see the influence in my work.

I have always been interested in Mythology, Folklore, Fairytale and the like and the programmes I enjoy most reflect this: Buffy, Angel, Lost Girl, Being Human, The Almighty Johnsons (a bit shit but I’m persevering) and now I’m especially excited about the new series of Grimm which is based on what has to be my favourite selection of fairytales. I watched the first episode last night and was thrilled to see it begin with my all time favourite fable, Little Red Riding Hood.

The depictions of fairytales in my work come from my belief that all of these fables have some basis in reality. I find it strange that we see similar mythology in the history of different cultures all over the world, cultures that could not communicate with each other to pass on these stories in the way that we can today. Perhaps they were crude attempts at identifying a particular kind of energy signature assigned to a person or beast.

We all have individual gifts or talents even if we are not necessarily aware of them. Some people have the gift of the gab, the ability to persuade others to do something ultimately to their detriment like the car salesmen who encourages you to buy that shiny car with the engine that’s about to blow (Sirens), some have the ability to inspire others to great artistry (Muses), or some have a leeching, draining energy that leaves you tired and listless (Vampires). Are these entities separate from humanity? Or are they just human traits that were recognised as special/different in a time where special or different was something to be feared?

Aside from these examples there are the stories themselves. Which insomniac can’t relate to the sleepless night of the Princess and the Pea? Who hasn’t felt trapped in a metaphorical tower at some point in their life, perhaps even of their own making? Who hasn’t met an Ogre? I’ve known a couple in my time! My personal favourite as a child was Beauty and the Beast but I always felt sad when the beast turned into the handsome Prince at the end. In my opinion, he was perfectly fine just the way he was.

Anyway, those are my insane ramblings for the day but I’ll leave you with this;

What particular gift do you have that makes you special? Which mythical creature lurks beneath your human guise?

I know where my talents lie! Do you?