Very, very few people are privvy to the details of my trauma which came on the back of an unexpected and difficult break up. Most people thought that my upset was due to that break up, which was somewhat embarrassing as I would never have allowed that comparatively insignificant event to have such a devastating effect on me, but it was an adequate smoke screen to the real event at the time so for that I am grateful.
There's no denying that I was at a low point because of the break up (a total blessing in disguise I see now and a very lucky escape), it came out of the blue, in a very cold and detached way and left me confused and in shock. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and went from 9st 10lb to a few lbs under 9st in the space of a week and was at a very low ebb. I could not have imagined that life was about to get so inconceivably worse. I am not able to share the details of what happened next and believe me when I say that if you were to try and guess you would likely be wrong so I must skip on to the next part of the story, to the aftermath and my road to recovery.
I was very lucky to have one incredible friend who I could trust and count on to come and support me through the early days and that was a literal life saver. From there I worked on a need to know basis where only a very few people who were close to me that I needed additional support from were allowed to know. That was a strange time, I was in permanent shock unable to show emotion in regards to my trauma, so when I told people, I was like stone. It was as if I detached from myself entirely and watched with puzzlement as the person I had just told broke down in tears for me. I couldn't attach myself to their emotion because then it would be real and it would be me. Don't get me wrong, I shed gallons of tears but I could only attach them to the stupid break up. It was safe for me to cry over that so I poured all of my emotion into that instead which became a necessary outlet for my pain but didn't help my case with those that weren't in the know who must have wondered why I was all broke up over a total jerk! Oh well, who cares now?
I realised very quickly that I would have to pull myself together by whatever means. I had my son's welfare to consider and I needed to be a parent. In the early days I did whatever I could to get the help I needed to recover, doctors appointments, counselling, reiki and even hypnotherapy. I had started drinking more than I should to dull my senses but realised that it was just making matters worse so I stopped. I knew I needed a clear head and to take control of my life. I worked really hard on my mental and physical wellbeing in those first few weeks. I was kind to myself. I did what felt right to me and I made the odd mistake along the way but each time I learned from my mistakes and each day I became a little bit stronger. I didn't push myself too hard to deal with the emotional aspects at first. I mostly dealt with that side of things in my dreams and boy did I do some fighting there. These days the dreams have changed and become less frequent. Back then they were full of anger and violence on my part. Nowadays they trick me into thinking everything is ok and then comes the realisation that it's not and that's were the sadness lies. Sometimes I feel that that's worse.
I eventually got myself to a place where I could put my trust in someone new and that's perhaps given me the biggest chance for recovery. I was lucky enough to meet the wonderful man who is now my husband. My ability to offer trust has repaid itself by giving me an incredible relationship that I didn't think possible. Trust, openness and communication are in my mind the key to my current happiness and I fully intend to nurture these qualities and continue to strive for a full and content life.
Now, about the paintings and the book, where does that fit in? Well, let me tell you a story. Not long after my trauma I went to see a dear lady who happens to be very spiritually connected to the universe. I hesitate to call her psychic because of the stigma attached but I went to see her for some insight and to help me gain perspective and direction. Surprisingly, she focused less on the event itself and more on my artwork. She gave me some methods to try and tap into my more creative side and to enable me to work more intuitively. My first attempt was just a mass of colours and shapes which made no sense to me at first but the next day I started to see the picture in it and it made perfect sense. The next one was the start of the Red Dress series. I don't know where she came from or why she is always in silhouette but there she was, standing alone, staring off into the darkness and that's where her journey (and mine) began. Each picture in the book is in the order it was painted, they are all simple images but they all have deeper meaning to me. The hope is that they connect with the viewer in a personal and individual way too. When it came to writing the words that accompany each picture, that was an idea that came naturally about a year after the event. I felt that the paintings had more to offer. Looking back on my own recovery, I decided to share the key points that helped me get to where I am now. I spent time looking at each painting I'd produced individually and reflected on where I was on my journey at that time! what trials I was facing and what helped me get through them. The words flowed naturally and have changed very little from my first drafts. They came straight from my heart and I truly hope that they reach yours.
It was a struggle to turn the book into a reality. There was a huge amount of work and hours put into the design and layout on my part, it took months, and then trying to find a suitable printer that could produce the images in the way I wanted them to be seen. In the end I found a local Eco-friendly printer that would print on high quality recycled paper so that my book would be not just good for the soul but good for the planet too. Printing a small run of books is very, very expensive so my next big task was the funding. I couldn't afford to print the books unless I had pre-orders. A Kickstarter campaign seemed a great way to get my project off the ground but that in itself was a lot of work. Unfortunately, after the 30 days I had not reached my goal for funding but most of the kind people who had offered to back the project still came through for me and I was able to print my book. I am hugely grateful to those people for their support.
Since the book has been available I have sold over a third of the limited number of 150. All books are personally signed and numbered and in some cases, on request, I have written a personal message of encouragement inside for the recipient. I have had lots of very touching feedback which makes me feel like my intention to help has been fulfilled. If some good can come from my experiences to help you in yours then I know it's all been worthwhile.
Thank you for your interest in my story.
Namaste
Buy The Girl in the Red Dress Book of Inspiration here.
