5 Top Tips for Men and Women. Keeping it real!

I was looking online today searching for some interesting topics to write about and stumbled across a site run by a man giving 'helpful tips' to women about how to catch and keep a man! If you were willing to sign up for membership (I wasn't) you could receive a wealth of advice and be told the common mistakes women make that has men running for the hills. I wondered if there was the same advice available to men on how to keep a woman and, surprisingly, there was. I haven't looked further than the front page of these sights although I was curious. Instead I thought I might have a bash at creating my own 'tongue in cheek' top tips for men and women looking to attract a partner for keeps. Some of this may or may not be based on my own experience but I'll try to keep it clean ;-)

For Women: Top 5 Tips to catch and keep your man.

1. Remember to always laugh at his jokes no matter how bad they are e.g. Q. what do you call a Scottish drug dealer? A. Ken Fit-a-mean! Men pride themselves on their sense of humour, if you don't laugh it will be your sense of humour that is considered to be lacking.

2. Never fart in his presence. If you do accidentally let one slip and it's silent you can try to blame the dog/cat/lobster but if it's noisy you will have to get a bit more inventive, blaming a creaky door for the squeaky ones, the seperating of a velcro strip on your racing suit for a medium sized rasper and a small localised earthquake for a right ripper. However, if you do happen to employ the lean sideways and raise cheek method it's game over, you might as well give up and get your coat. That's a total deal breaker.

3. Do wear matching sexy underwear at all times. You never know when your man might want to grab your breasts or bum and make the honk, honk sound. It will lose it's appeal for him if you are wearing an ill-fitting chewing gum grey bra and a pair of big pants that tell him what day of the week it is. He may well need to be reminded that it's Tuesday or Friday but this is too much information for him to take in whilst he's trying to concentrate on his honking.

4. Don't presume to think that you may have any useful experience of motorcycles even if you have owned both the faired and unfaired varieties during your 13 years of riding experience. You may well know that unfaired bikes when ridden at speed will be colder and harder on the arms and shoulders but this information will not be useful to your man unless he is told by a qualified motorcycle mechanic accompanied with the obligatory sucking in of air over the teeth.

5. Remove the words "I told you so" from your vocabulary.

For Men: Top 5 Tips to catch and keep your woman.

1. Remember to laugh at her jokes occasionally e.g. Q. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? A. Pokemon (poke him on, geddit??) Women are generally considered to be far less amusing than men so this may be a stretch for you but it is worth the effort. Practise your guffaws in front of the mirror and if you can manage a tear or two and a clutch of your side, even better.

2. Be sure to fart in front of her at every opportunity. She will find it hilarious and marvel at your repetoir of elaborate accompanying facial expressions and body gestures. If you can vary the intensity at will to provide a variety of  tones that create a veritable harmonic symphony she will be, literally, blown away.

3. Do wear over-sized mis-shapen cotton boxers that flap around at the slightest breeze. Even better if they are so mis-shapen that they are lower on one leg than the other. If you can team these pants with socks that are pulled half-way up your calves and a T-shirt that declares "I'm with stupid" on the front you're on to a winner.

4. Do suggest that your sister take your woman out shopping for clothes and be sure to mention that she did a great job of giving your ex a wardrobe make-over.

5. Add the words "I told you so" to your vocabulary and be sure to use them often.

Here endeth today's lesson ;-)