Looking out for Alanda!

You may have noticed that I have been quiet of late. The reason for this is I’ve been a little off my game. In an attempt to discover why, I have given myself over to a bit of pondering. These are my musings.

What happens when you’ve been fire-fighting for so long that, once the danger is over, you don’t know how to relax? When there’s no more need to be on red alert, how do you find out who you are without the drama? Strip away the uniform, the protective equipment, the tools of the trade, the wailing sirens and all you’re left with is the adrenalin still coursing through your veins, a few scars and burns to remind you and the residue of toxic smoke in your lungs.

You try to rebuild your life, picking up the pieces, making them stronger, adding a lick of paint but the smoke still clings a while longer and you’re much more cautious about everything. You enter into inner dialogue. Do you really need to leave the house? What if something happens when you’re out? Stay in, monitor the situation, it’s safe in here and if anything happens you’re on hand and ready to fight once again. Make sure you keep every last shred of what’s left behind because somewhere in the wreckage is your soul if only you could find it amongst the charred remains.

I fear I could be suffering from some degree of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Only those closest to me will know the reason for this but I realise that this is the first time I’ve looked at this being a reasonable explanation for my increasing reclusiveness and sometimes erratic behaviour. Now that I can more clearly see the issues I’m dealing with, I feel better equipped to be able to find a solution. After all, that’s what I do. I fix things. I never thought I’d need to fix myself but in true McGyver fashion I will cobble together some miscellaneous bits and bobs and forge a new way of being. The hardest part is over and the best thing about it is that don’t have to do it alone :-)

My art has been a great tool for processing some of my feelings and also reinforcing my strengths. It’s provided me with a platform to heal from and will continue to be an important outlet for me. I hope that it will also give others a deeper insight into their own lives. The Red Dress paintings may seem like simple images on the surface but they have a power all of their own now that’s come from the energy I’ve poured into them and, for the most part, I’ve tried to portray the positive aspects involved in coming out of the dark places I’ve been. I will continue to fight but now it will be for a better life for me and my loved ones and in time I will learn that it’s not necessary or healthy to be on red alert all the time. For now, I will forgive myself and be kinder to this fragile being who is still trying to work out who she is now that the dust has settled. I'm looking out for Alanda.

Enjoy a bit of Hue and Cry if you will http://youtu.be/ONc3OMOb98I

Tune in next time for more frivolity. I’m back, I’m crazy and I’m thinking a photo blog of 10 different food beards. To be continued.....